If I Lose Myself
by cadlg7
Summary: Castiel is in the final stages of leukemia. Dean is highly praised actor that just publicly came out as gay. When Dean gets taken to the hospital after he gets injured while performing a stunt, a misunderstanding leads him to meet the shy Castiel. But what happens when Cas tells the famous actor that he is a hospital volunteer instead of a patient? Or when Dean falls for Cas?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**Heartthrob Dean Winchester's Gay Scandal!** The headline to the Star magazine was written yellow letters in front of a picture of the green-eyed, freckled cheeks man that looked away from the camera. Underneath, the headline continued: **Fiancée Anna Milton is broken!**

Castiel sighed, ever since the famous actor of Dean Winchester came out of the closet three months ago, that was all the biggest celebrity magazines talked about, even the ones that usually falsified topics like those.

"Oh, _come on_!" Castiel's close friend, Gadreel, complained when he reached for a People magazine. "It's been three months; don't these writers have anything else to talk about?"

"Apparently not." Castiel picked up the newest issue of Shonen Jump and paid the man for it. "Are you getting anything, Gad?"

"Yes." He finally grabbed the GQ magazine with Mila Kunis on the cover that the other magazine stands had ran out of and paid, "Thanks." He smiled and grabbed his blue oxygen tank cart. "Man, I can't tell you how much I love Mila Kunis."

"She's three years older than you."

"So?" Gadreel put his plastic tube behind his left ear when he saw it fall on his shoulder, "You're in love with Jared Leto and he's like fifteen years older than you."

Their pace started to slower down when they saw a massive crowd in front of them, covering even the largest of New York City's street, Gadreel and Castiel's easiest shortcut to Mt. Sinai Medical Center. "Are you kidding me?" Castiel tried to look past a tall man so that he could see what all the commotion was about.

"Amy Adams and Dean Winchester are shooting their new movie here, no?" Gadreel was tall so there wasn't much of a need for him to look over anyone. About two weeks ago, the two friends had heard that the gay star and actress Amy Adams would begin shooting for a film about a female cop trying to catch a young, dangerous hit man in the massive city of New York.

"We were out for thirty minutes." Castiel hissed. He couldn't believe that in less than half an hour, a movie crew managed to settle in the middle of a street. "You do know we have to take the long way now, right?"

"Goddamn it." Gadreel mumbled. "But how come the location suddenly moved here? Last week they were at Central Park."

But Castiel wasn't paying attention to Gadreel's words he was too busy staring at the people that noticed them. He knew why suddenly all those people starting moving to the side so that they could pass. They were feeling sorry. They were feeling sorry because they saw Castiel's hospital sweater and Gadreel's oxygen tank.

They knew they had cancer. Both of them.

"Wanna go to my place instead?" Castiel moved away from the crowd, volunteering his apartment. "We could watch a movie or something, I'm sure the hospital wouldn't mind."

"But I want to meet Amy Adams. I heard she's hotter up close."

"We could watch Man of Steel on Netflix! Let's just go." Castiel started walking away.

"But—" He fixed his cannula before it fell from his nostrils.

"Please?"

Gadreel sighed, "Fine. But we're not watching Man of Steel; I don't need Henry Cavill to remind me how bad my physical is. We're watching Silver Stag." Silver Stag was a 007 movie that had come out a year ago with Dean Winchester playing the villain. Gadreel and Castiel had won movie tickets in a hospital contest and ever since, it had become both of their Bond favorite. Of course, up until the part where Dean Winchester's character died. He was too good of a villain to last only one movie.

On their way to Castiel's apartment, Castiel thought about what just happened. How all those people were willing to give away their only chance to meet a celebrity for two cancer kids—well, not really kids; Cas and Gadreel were both twenty-seven— out of pity. At least, that's how Castiel would see it; Gadreel thought it was kindness.

For them to also allow Castiel to get a better look at Amy Adams and Dean Winchester it meant was becoming visible on the outside. He touched his forehead. It was hotter than it was this morning.

"Are you okay?" Gadreel asked Castiel as they crossed the street.

"Yeah. Hey do I look different to you?"

Gadreel analyzed Castiel for a few moments before responding, "You've been looking paler, and yours eyes have become baggier." He shrugged, "I don't know, man, that could be just me."

"Thanks anyways." Castiel smiled.

"Are you signing up for the Hospital's spring dance for the Cancer patients?"

"I was thinking about it." They took a turn to the right and continued walking straight until they reached a red brick building with two glass doors. "I might do it."

"Yeah, me too. Just to get my mind off all the chemo and therapy sessions I've been having lately." He opened the door for Cas.

"Thanks." He said then started up the stairs, Gadreel following him later after allowing a lady with bright red hair to go in first. "I saw the volunteer sign-up list in the morning, and I was thinking about writing my name. I should've written my name."

"I'll write it in tomorrow when I go back to the hospital, if you'd like."

"Yeah, go ahead." When they reached the hall of the fourth floor, they started to the last door at the end of the hallway. "I also need to focus on something else."

**-.-.-.-.-.-**

Castiel sat on the floor on his bathroom, feeling the blood run down his face from his nose to his light gray shirt. He sniffled, as if that were to slower down the flow, and wiped away the tears that had started not long ago.

_He doesn't have long_. He remembered the doctor telling his older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, when they came over. Even now, neither of them knew he overheard the conversation about his cancer… that he knew that it wouldn't be long before he kicked the bucket.

Who would've known, huh? Who would've thought that the once careless, free spirit of Castiel Novak only had so little to live? That at twenty-seven, he'd been preparing himself for his own funeral. Why now, though? When he had so much to give to the world, when he needed to experiment, when he needed to fall in love, to make mistakes, to tell someone he loved them.

Gadreel knocked on his door, "Hey, Cas?"

"What is it?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He used the sink to help him stand up. He grabbed some toilet paper to wipe away the blood from his nose and chin.

"You sure?" Gadreel asked even though he already knew what was happening on the other side of that door.

"Don't worry about it." His voice lowered when he heard the phone ringing. "C-could you answer that, please?"

"I'm on it."

Castiel leaned against the door. He was diagnosed with leukemia five years ago, a little after he finished college. He remembered the moment when the symptoms first started showing up during a date with a guy named Nathan, when he pointed out a nosebleed and Castiel fainted moments later.

"Are you serious?" Cas heard Gadreel on the other side of the door. "Oh my god, w-when did this happen? How long has he been there?"

Castiel slightly opened the door, "What's going on?"

Gadreel raised his index finger to signal him to wait, "Do you know how long he's staying? How bad was his injury?" He stayed quiet for a few seconds, "Charlie, calm down. I'm also panicking but inside. I can't lose my cool." He chuckled, "I'll call you back in a bit, let me just tell Cas."

"What happened?"

"You know how earlier we saw that camera crew?"

Castiel nodded, opening the door completely, "What of it?"

"Well, Charlie told me that one of the stars got injured."

"Oh no."

"Let me finish…it's Dean Winchester!" He grinned, still unable to believe that possibly tomorrow they'd be meeting a celebrity. "Charlie said that she heard Lisa and few other nurses saying that he got an injured arm due to a stunt and that'll he'll be staying in the hospital while he recovers, which probably won't be long since it's a fractured arm."

"Do you want to meet him?"

"Not him, but he's worked with Blake Lively," Another of Gadreel's many celebrity crushes, "And I want to know what she's like."

Castiel had never met a celebrity before so he started wondering what it'd feel like to meet one. "So…" Castiel walked out of his bathroom to his room. He reached for the TV remote, "Dean Winchester movie marathon tonight?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Everyone in group therapy was anxious to meet the celebrity of Dean Winchester. They wanted an autograph, a selfie for their Facebook, anything as long as they could get a chance to see him.

Even Castiel was slightly nervous. He was afraid to bump into him and not be able to say anything because he'd be so intimidated by his beauty. Dean Winchester was too handsome for Castiel to handle.

The night before, Castiel and Gadreel had slept until four in the morning trying to watch most of Dean Winchester's movies, including the bad ones that had been easily forgettable. He'd done just about every genre in the film industry, from Romantic Comedies in which he played the sleazy best friend of the leading man or _the_ main guy that'd met his other half at a café to a Horror movie where he turned out to be the serial killer. Besides the gore, Cas and Gadreel had enjoyed that plot twist more than they should have.

"Hey, Cas." Gadreel whispered low enough to avoid the attention from others.

"Yeah?" Castiel looked up.

"You're still gonna sign up for the dance?"

"I want to."

"Good, because I'm going there after this."

Castiel smiled, "Are you really going there or are you going to snoop around to find out where Dean Winchester is staying?"

Gadreel chuckled, it always surprised him how Castiel always saw through his lies, "I'm going to do both."

"Just don't get in trouble okay?"

"I'm gonna need you to accompany me for that then."

"Idiot."

"Okay," Naomi, the group's therapist, cleared her throat at stood up, "Session's over, have a god day and we'll be meeting here next week at the same time; don't forget that." She looked at another patient named Garth who had been thirty minutes late that day.

Castiel waited for everyone else to clear the room before they chose to get out and start walking to the third floor where one of the least filled sign-up sheets was at. But before they could get to the elevator they were both stopped a handsome doctor with grayish blonde hair and amazing blue eyes. Both know why he was here but only Gadreel had fun with it.

"Hey, Castiel." He smiled.

"Balthazar."

"How are you doing?" There had been rumors circling the hospital grounds that the young and attractive doctor of Balthazar had a crush on one of his colleague's patient, Castiel. Everyone saw it except for Cas.

"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking." He forced a smile.

"Are you busy Saturday night? I get out of work early so I was wondering maybe you'd like to…go to dinner or something?"

Castiel at some point thought about accepting Balthazar's invitations but he never came to a conclusion. Sure, the guy was a great catch, but he'd heard of his endless affairs from different nurses and Castiel didn't think he was ready for something like that.

"I'm busy this Saturday?"

Balthazar knew that was a lie, "Really, doing what?"

"Um…I'm going to…"

"He's going with me to see my parents!" Gadreel interfered when he realized his friend was in trouble. "I asked him if he could come with me so that I wouldn't be alone and had to listen to my parents' babbling."

"I see."

"Yeah," Castiel said lowly, "Sorry about that."

"Maybe some other day?" Balthazar suggested, still with the hope that he'd get Castiel to say yes to him.

"Yeah, sure."

"Well, I'll see you later, then." He smiled at Castiel, hoping that the blue eyed man would respond but was a bit disappointed when he didn't.

As soon as the handsome doctor went out of sight, Gadreel spoke, "You owe me one, Cassie." There was only one person who could call Castiel Cassie, even though he hated it, and that was Gadreel. "If I didn't do something, you'd be forced to go on a date with a doctor."

"Thank you, I'll be buying you lunch."

"Good, because I don't have money." He walked closer to the elevator and pressed the button with the arrow facing up. The door opened and the two friends walked in.

In about a month, the hospital would be organizing a dance for the cancer patients that Castiel was forced to go to keep Gadreel company. The only reason why Gadreel was going was because he thought it'd be nice to do something for the kids in the hospital.

The doors opened and they walked out, making their way to the end of the long and cool hallway to the sign-up list. It was odd to see it uninhabited.

The signup list was half empty, with only seven of the twenty-four slots filled in. Castiel didn't recognize any of the names so he assumed they were some the volunteers that liked to help out the hospital with every chance they could.

"Gadreel?" The voice of a nurse called in as she came out of a nearby room.

"Yeah?"

"After you're done with that, could you please come with me, I must talk to you about something."

Gadreel nodded, "Okay." He waited for Castiel to write his name before his signed his. "This is probably about the chemo session I didn't go to." He grabbed the handle of his oxygen cart, "I'll text you when I'm out, Cas." And just like that, Gadreel disappeared and left Castiel standing in the hallway alone.

Castiel took out his phone and checked the time. It was two-thirty and he was starving, he might not even wait for his friend with the hunger he was feeling. He leaned against the wall and thought of where he'd like to eat. He was feeling in the mood for a good cheeseburger.

He had been so hungry for a burger that for a moment, he thought he smelled them, the intoxicating smell of hot bacon melting the cheese against the thick patty. But it turned out to be someone walking in front of him, holding a brown paper bag. "Excuse me." The person said shyly, "Do you know where room 308 is?"

"Last one to your left."

The person looked up from his watch to Castiel, "Look, man, can you do me a favor?"

"Depends."

"I have another order that needs to be turned in by two-forty-five and it's like thirty minutes away so can you take this to the room?"

Castiel nodded, "Sure."

"Thanks." The guy grinned and gave the bag to Castiel then ran to the elevator. He looked down to the paper bag as the smell of the delicious food increased. For a moment, he thought about keeping it for himself but he knew that there was probably who needed it more.

He started making his way to the end of the hallway; the hunger consuming Castiel became stronger as the food became more tempting to take. Slowly, he knocked on the door but nobody had answered until a minute later.

Castiel was expecting for the door to open and for an old nurse to respond and yank the paper bag from his weak hands, not for a tall and handsome man with gorgeous green eyes and freckled cheeks to answer with charming grin. "Finally!" He said. "Are you the delivery guy?"

_Holy crap, it's Dean Winchester!_ Castiel's mouth dried up from the shock that when he answered it made him seem sick, "No."

"Oh." His green eyes scanned Castiel. Castiel was not short, but also not tall, about five-ten compared to Dean's six-one, his dark brown hair was messy, as if constantly ran his hand through it to fix it but only made it worst, and that blue, oversized sweater was probably hiding a figure that matched his athletic legs.

"You're Dean Winchester." Castiel could barely speak. He had been right; Dean's beauty was intimidating, too beautiful for its own good.

"Yeah."

"I like your movies." Wow, what a compliment.

Dean chuckled, "Thank you."

Castiel gulped, "I'm gonna go now, I'm probably embarrassing myself."

"Wait," Dean grabbed Castiel's arm before he could walk away, "Would you have lunch with me?"

The question made Castiel blush deeply, "W-what?"

"I've been alone for almost five hours and I need someone to talk to." He smiled, "The desperation of human interaction is getting to me. Please, man…unless I'm keeping you from something." He wasn't; this would be a great story to tell Gadreel during lunch.

"No, it's okay—"

"Good then." He pulled Castiel by his arm and forced him into his room, "Take any seat, the room's all mine," It was suite room, of course it'd be all his, "preferably next to the bed where I can better contact with you."

"Okay." He grabbed a blue cushioned chair and dragged it next to the bed where Dean was making himself comfortable. "So," Castiel's awkwardly started, he was not ready for any of this, "besides your arm, where else are you hurt?" If it had been just his arm that he'd injured they wouldn't be keeping him in the hospital for so long.

"Uh, no, I also fractured a leg and broke a few ribs."

"How…how did that happen?"

"The string that was helping me jump broke during a jumping stunt and…"

"Ah."

"What's your name?" Dean asked.

He sat down, "Castiel…Novak…"

"Cool name." Dean looked inside the bag to make sure that the three boxes he ordered were there, three boxes of precious burgers and fries.

"Thank you."

Dean pulled out a box from the bag and offered it to Cas, "Do you want a burger?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, take one." Dean immediately grabbed the other, "So are you a patient here or…?"

There it was the question Castiel was waiting for. What could he possibly tell him? Would his view on him change after? He didn't talk to many people, but to those who he did, their perspective on Cas changed when he told them he had leukemia. Pity was all they saw in him, pity was all they could give him, "I'm a volunteer." He technically wasn't lying, it was somewhat true.


End file.
